![]() When I was thrown out of home by her at eighteen and lived on the streets of Dublin it was my first time in fourteen years to not drink. Red like her shoes that kicked indiscriminately when she was in its grip. That was my introduction to the clear fluid contained in the bottle with the red label, with its embossed emblem and red cap. The alcohol made me light headed at first and sick in the stomach particularly if I had not eaten but then slowly it flowed through my tiny body, releasing me from my dementors. ![]() My fairy, my mental liberator, if even short lived. As it snaked it’s way down my throat and entered my stomach I knew I had to wait but a short time before it suspended the present and allow my mind to enter the crack in the wall behind the roses where the fairy lived. A strong, bubbly, black, sickly sweet reliever of anticipated violation. Not to be defeated, she simply added Coke to disguise it’s poisonous taste. At first it tasted repulsive and astringent, too bitter to swallow and caused a gagging reflex. If the men did not bring it with them, my Mother gave it to me before they came. Since the age of four I had been given alcohol to make me compliant to the men’s invasions. So do be patient please, man who is drowning. ‘Help, help’, said the man, ‘I’m not clowning’. I could not put my finger on this disquiet in mind and soul but I could not ignore it but unfortunately, it was driving me more and more towards alcohol. ![]() I was resenting the children being at a Catholic School. He that dwelleth in the secret place.” Maybe that was a path I needed to follow yet there was a simmering anger towards the Church I could not explain. I am questioning God in my life, who is he? Do I believe in him? Have I ever believed in him? He “Who doth seek his heavenly Father, for he shall have eternal life. Some Leviathan is consuming my soul and my life as I know it. No way of predicting how I am going to be on any given day. No need to have a drink today but maybe I will need to tomorrow, so I better buy enough in case I do. Our joyful, vibrant, creative youngest was keeping us on our toes but I was having days that are black. ![]() Three children were educated and through high school successfully and studying what they wished at University and we were incredibly proud of them. I was sinking into some deep unexplained abyss. A psychological dark cloud was slowly emerging from the west of Southern Highlands to our idyllic farm life. ![]()
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